Harry Potter and Friends Read My Immortal
by InuyashaFanGirl555
Summary: Harry,Ron,Hermione,Draco,McGonagall,Dumbledor,Snape,Sirius,Voldemort, and Dobby read the notorious "My Immortal" by Tara Gilespie. Rated T for language. Be warned: "My Immortal" is so terrible, you might die. Read with caution.
1. Draco Has No Friends

_**Me: Hi everybody! I have yet to see anyone do this, so I thought why not? **_

_**Dumbledore: Must we do this?**_

_**Me: Oh yes. This must be done.**_

_**Draco: I hope I don't have a major role in this story. I hate being paired up with mary-sues.**_

_**Me: Oh, no. Nothing like that. (snicker) **_

_**Sirius: Let's do this! I'm so ready for this!**_

_**Me: Trust me. No. You. Are. Not.**_

AN: Special fangz (get it, 'cause I'm goffik) to my GF (ew, not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 for helping me with the story and spelling. You rock! Justin, you're the love of my depressing life, you rock too! MCR rocks!

**Harry: My brain hurts already...**

**Snape: What is MCR?**

**Hermione: My Chemical Romance, also known as MCR by fans, is an alternative rock band in the muggle world, originating in New Jersey, the third state to enter the union known as the United States of America on December 18, 1787 in the year of our lord. My Chemical Romance is best known for hits such as "Helena" and "Teenagers". The band features singer Gerard Way on lead vocals, Ray Toro on lead guitar and backing vocals, Miky Way on bass guitar, and Frank Iero on rhythm guitar and backing vocals. Former members include-**

**Snape: BLAH BLAH BLAH MISS GRANGER! I GROW BORED WITH YOUR KNOW-IT-ALL RAMBLINGS! 100 POINTS FROM GRYFINNDOR! **

**Hermione: WHAT?**

**Dumbledor: Aww, come now, Severus. Don't be such a Mr. Cranky Pants!**

**Harry: Yeah, Big Nose! Don't get your panties in a bunch.**

**Snape: (growl)**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way

**Draco: Wow, what a gross name. **

and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reach my mid-back, and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if you don't know who she is get the h*ll out of here!).

**Snape: Who the hell is Amy Lee?**

**Hermione: Amy Lee is-**

**Snape: NOBODY ASKED YOU!**

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major f*cking hottie.

**Ron: Oh...my...bloody...hell...**

**Sirius: No comment.**

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a Goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black.I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.

**Hermoine: Oh my GOD! Does anybody actually wear this stuff?**

**Snape: I don't know. **_**You**_** tell **_**us**_** since **_**you**_** seem to have the answer to everything.**

**McGonagall: Why must you always be so bitter? I know! I think someone needs a hug!**

**Snape: No, Minerva. I most certainly do not.**

**Harry: Oh, yes you do!(hugs) **

**Snape: (sigh) Please let me go...**

**Everyone: Aww...:)**

**Harry: I love you Professor Snape! **

**Snape: (awkwardly)Th-that's nice, now could you please let me go?**

**Mcgonagall: No! It doesn't work that way! Now you have to say it back. **

**Harry: Yeah! You have to say it back now!**

**Snape: I will do no such thing! Now let. me. go!**

**Harry: ( clinging to him and screaming melodramactic soap opera style)TELL ME YOU LOVE ME! SAY IT! SAY IT, YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE!**

**Sirius: (melodramatic soap opera style) JUST TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, MAN! **

**Hermione: (melodramatic soap opera style) DON'T RUN AWAY FROM YOUR FEELINGS!**

**Snape: (creeped out) FINE, FINE! I LOVE YOU! THERE! NOW LET ME GO!**

**Harry: (let's him go) See? Now that wasn't so hard, now was it? **

**McGonagall: Feel better now?**

**Snape: ALL GRYFINNDORS ARE PSYCHOTIC! **

I was walking outside was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

**Dumbledore: How...charming.**

**Snape: Why? What's it mean?**

**Harry: It means f*ck you, Professor Snape.**

**Snape: Oh.**

**Harry: (giggle) He didn't even notice that I just told him to go f*ck himself.**

**Snape: I did now. **

**Harry: Oh, crap...he looks pissed. Hide me, Hermione! (hides behind Hemione)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was … Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

**Draco: WHAT THE EFF? I'M NOT SHY. I'M CONDFIDENT AND THE COOLEST MOTHERF*CKER ON THE PLANET. RIGHT GRANGER?**

**Hermione: (laughs hysterically)**

**Draco: RIGHT PROFESSOR SNAPE? YOU MUST THINK I'M COOL 'CAUSE I'M YOUR GODKID RIGHT?**

**Snape: No.**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

AN: Is it good? PLZ tell me, fangz!

**Sirius: NO! That was terrible! **

**Dumbledore: I think it was rather charming.**

**Ron: No. It sucked bum bum.**

**McGonagall: I wholey agree.**

**Draco: SERIOUSLY? NOBODY HERE LIKES ME?**

**Sirius: Yes. Seriously. Now shut up you have no friends.**

**Draco: You guys are d*cks...**


	2. Apparently He Doesn't Have a Soul Either

AN: Fangz to bloodytearz666 for helping me with the chapter! BTW preps stop flaming my story ok!

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle

**Snape: (sarcastically) Yes, that's exactly what **_**I **_**do first thing in the morning. **

**Ron: I once tried to drink my own blood. **

**Snape: That's because you're a ginger and you have no soul.**

**Draco: That's right, Ron. You have no soul.**

**Snape: Niether do platinum blondes.**

**Draco: What?**

I coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.I got out of my coffin and took off my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on.I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

**Ron: Honestly, does anyone care what this girl is wearing? COME ON TARA! THIS ISN'T A PHONE SEX LINE!(clears throat) Not that...I would know anything about phone sex lines.**

**Hermione: Just stop talking. Please.**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven this is you!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

**Draco: SHE LIED TO ME! I AM THE LOVE INTREST! SOMEONE KILL ME NOW!**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so f*cking don't!" I shouted.

**Sirius: Yes, you so f*cking do.**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

**Sirius: "Hi." I replied flirtily. "Wanna do it?" (hysterical laughture)**

**McGonagall: Sirius! Behave yourself. **

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. F*cking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well… do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

**Harry: Oh, look a cliff hanger! I wonder what shall happen!**

**Snape: What is the matter with this girl? Muggles do not have concerts in the wizard world! **

**Dumbledore: I'm not one to put salt on wounds, but...DRACO AND EBONY SITTIN' IN A TREE! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! **

**Draco: I want. To die.**

**Harry: Boy am I glad Tara is a Draco fan girl.**


	3. Field trip to the Forbidden Forest

**Me: Welcome back to Harry Potter and Friends Read My Immortal! I'm exited to tell you that we have a new friend joining us to read My Immortal!**

**Sirius: IZ IT MA HOMIE REMUS?**

**Me: No.**

**Harry: Is it Ginny?**

**Me: No.**

**Snape: Is it Belatrix Lestrange? Please say no...she scares me. **

**Me: Nope! It's Voldy! Say hi Voldy!**

**Voldemort: Hey, bitches! Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wives, and hide yo' Order of the Phoenix members, 'cause I'm killin' all their asses! Ha ha Just kidding. **

**Everyone: (shits themselves)**

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!

**Snape: NEVER!**

odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

**McGonagall: Is this girl even speaking English?**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high them were ripped red fishnets.

**Snape: Ripped fishnets?**

**Voldemort: How does that even work out?**

**Snape: I haven't the slightest clue, but keep your damn snake away from me.**

Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front.I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.

**Harry: YOU CANNOT HAVE WAIST LENGTH **_**SPIKEY **_** HAIR! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THIS GIRL?**

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.

**Hemione: That's not even goth! Thats emo!**

**Snape: Really? She's cutting herself and **_**thats**_** what you're thinking of?**

I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding

**Snape: And then she read a book! What?**

and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner.

**Draco: EVERYTHING IS BLACK WITH THIS FREAKING GIRL EXCEPT THE INSIDE OF HER COFFIN! WHY?**

Then I put on some black lipstick.

**Draco: Wow! Shocker! I didn't expect her to put on BLACK lipstick as well!**

I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

**Voldemort: Human blood is icky. Unicorn blood is way better! **

**Sirius: Dude...No. Just no.**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.

**Draco: Oh crap**

He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

**Ron: Tee Hee Draco wears makeup!**

**Draco: I DON'T WEAR EYELINER AND I DON'T DRESS LIKE THAT**

**Hermione: Simple Plan isn't even goth!**

**Snape: Again, if anyone wanted to know, they would have asked. But no one did, and here you are spouting off usless information like an encyclopedia with food poisoning! **

**Hermione: Professor Dumbledore! He just compared me to a puking encyclopedia!**

**Dumbledore: Really? That's hilarious! 125 points to Slytherin!**

**Hermione: (glare)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666)

**Sirius: How original. **

and flew to the place with the the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson.

**Snape: I've heard of her. Isn't Marilyn Manson the blonde actress who banged John F. Kennedy?**

**Hermione: No that's Marilyn Monroe. **_**This **_**is Marilyn Manson.(shows him a picture on her iphone on google images)**

**Snape: (sceam) AHHH! WHAT IS THAT THING?**

**Voldemort: C'mon it can't be that bad.(looks)**

**Voldemort: HOLY SH*T!**

We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.

**Harmione: Oooh I'm telling your mom you did drugs!**

**Draco: (slams head on desk.)**

When we got there, we both hopped out of the car.We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
>They're all so happy you've arrived<br>The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
>She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).<p>

**Snape: I'm surprised she didn't make those up because those are the worst lyrics I've ever heard in my life.**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. Suddenly Draco looked sad.

**Draco: Seriously? WTF?**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

**Ron: But Draco **_**is**_**...Blonde.**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time.

**Draco: **_**You**_** had a great time? What about **_**me? **_**Selfish bitch.**

So did Draco.

**Draco: Oh.**

After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! 

**Dumbledore: No! The Forbidden Forest is...Forbidden!**

**Snape: I hope Aragog eats them.**

**Voldemort: Hey did you guys pick up all the dead unicorns? Sure hope so. When unicorns aren't properly laid to rest their spirits come back to feast upon the flesh of gingers. **

**Ron: WHAT?**

**Voldemort: I just fuckin' wit you buddy. HA you guys are so Sirius! Get it? HA HA **

**Sirius: Really? **


	4. What Not To Do In The Forbidden Forest

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY

**Snape: She spelled her character's name SPELLED HER CHARACTER'S NAME WRONG.**

nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

**Hermione: Yeah for a day!**

**Ron: I fell in love with **_**you**_** after a day.**

**Hermione: Aww!(kisses him)**

**Harry: That's a bunch of crap.**

"DRACO!" I shouted.

"What the fuck do you think you are doing?"Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)

**Snape: Draco I just thought of something: You would kind of look like an albino rat with red eyes.**

**Draco: Thanks.**

**Sirius: I had an albino rat named Pickels when I was in Azkaban, but they don't give you much food there. So I ate him.**

**Everyone: (horrified stare)**

**Sirius:What?**

which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.

**Draco: Oh my God...**

**Voldemort: Cool! It's f*cky f*cky time!**

Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes.

**Voldemort: Wait I was just kidding!**

**McGonagall: YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO IT IN THE FORBIDDEN 'S JUST WRONG.**

**Dumbledore: Why would anyone want to?**

**Draco: No...please...please let this be a cruel joke...**

**Snape: I'm not sure I want to know what happens next.**

**Sirius: I do. I love poorly written lemons.**

I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

**Sirius: Wow.**

**Ron Harry Hermione: (hysterical laughture) **

**Snape: That would be the best pick up line ever.**

**Voldemort: I'm so using that on Belatrix. "Hey Belatrix, Can I put my thingie into your you-know-what?"**

**Draco: Is this girl serious?**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm.

**McGonagall: Ew.**

We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore!

**Snape: I'm gonna say that next time I catch kids doing something bad. "POTTER! GRANGER! WEASLEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERF*CKERS?" **

**Dumbledore: I LOVE myself in this story.**


	5. Sirius has Herpes

**Me:XxBellatrixLestrange917Xx this chapter is for you! I didn't expect to get so much great feedback! Thank you soooo much everyone! You're all awsome! **

**Sirius: STOP MAKING US UPDATE TWICE A DAY YOU ASSHOLES! WHAT, YOU THINK READING THIS SHIT HAS NO NEGETIVE SIDE EFFECTS? I THINK THE LAST CHAPTER GAVE ME HERPES!**

**Hermione: ?**

**Me: Sirius you know you can't yell at reviewers. **

**Snape: Yah Sirius. Quit being a d*ck.**

**Sirus: Sorry. One of the other side effects is hostility. (cough) SNIVELLUS (cough) Oh my, I do apologize! It also causes Tourettes! SNIVELLUS! Opps, There it goes again!**

**Me: SIRIUS. **

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedacheok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

**Snape: I have a headache right now and _I'm_ not running around calling students "motherf*ckers", as much as that I would love to do that.**

**Dumbledore: Dumbledeor? Apparently I have a department store makeup line now.**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

**Harry: I hope you used protection.**

**Draco: Shut up Potter.**

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.

**Snape: I think I may have a potion for that.**

Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape

**Snape: F*ck**

and Professor McGonagall

**McGonagall:** **F*ck**

who were both looking very angry.

**Snape and McGonagall: Oh, we're angry alright. We're pissed off.**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

**Voldemort: "Amongst the dead corpses of unicorns!"**

**Dumbledore: You're terrible...You really are.**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"Everyone was quiet.

**Sirius: Me too. In fact, I'm f*cking speechless. **

Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

**Ron: What the eff, Snape? Harry and I drive to Hogwarts and happen to get spotted by a couple of muggles and you almost roundhouse kick us in the balls, but Draco and this Ebony chick do it in the **_**Forbidden forest**_** and all you have to say is "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **

**Harry: Yeah, Snape. What the frig?**

**Snape: ...**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

**Sirius: I'm glaring at InuyashaFanGirl555 right now for making me read this shit.**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied.

I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a

**Draco: Let me guess...black?**

low-cut black

**Draco: No shit?**

floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

**Snape: Professor Snape avada kadavra'd you. The end.**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte.

**Hermione: Why would you sing that to your girlfriend?**

I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

Draco: God, I'm such a pussy in this story!

Harry: You're a pussy in real life.

**Draco: SHUT UP POTTER YOU HAVE NO FAMILY**

**Voldemort: Sorry 'bout that**

**Harry: And I can't tell the differnce between your mom and dad. Actually, I think your mom is a lesbian.**

**Ron: Daaannng...**

**Sirius: Total burn...**

**Hermione: (giggle) Neville's last name is Longbottom...**

**Draco: I THINK YOUR DAD WAS GAY BECAUSE YOUR MOM LOOKED LIKE A DUDE!**

**Snape: WHY, YOU LITTLE SHI-**

**McGonangall: SEVERUS! CALM DOWN!**

**Snape: NO!**

**Dumbledore: (turns into incredible Hulk) YEEEESSSSSS!**

**Everyone: ok...**


	6. The Amazing Stain Potion

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

**McGonagall: Wait...there's 44 chapters, so that means this actually got good reviews?**

**Snape: The little faith I had for the human race has been lost.**

The next day I woke up in my coffin.

**Draco: The one the PINK interior?**

I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end

**Hermione: It really isn't possible to wear a ripped up mini skirt without showing your ass to the world.**

and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

**Sirius: Pretty sure thats a health hazard. **

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula

**Ron: Surprise, sur-friggin-prise, she's eating vamipire cereal.**

**Dumbledore: Who would have guessed?**

cereal with blood

**Draco: With blood. It's not a complete breakfast without blood.**

**Voldemort: Unicorn blood.**

**Dumbledore: Will you stop with the unicorns? You're gonna make me cry...**

instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily.

**Snape: I have a potion for stains. It's an empty bottle that says "GO TO THE F*CKING LAUDROMAT" on the side.**

I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick.

**Harry: I wonder who **_**that**_** is...he sounds hideous.**

He didn't have glasses anymore

**Draco: HA!**

**Harry: That could be anyone.**

and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.

**Harry: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HELL NO!**

**Draco: HELL YEAH!**

He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent.

**Snape: **_**Well**_**...It couldn't possibly be because this all takes place in the UK. That's just absurd.**

He looked exactly like Joel Madden.

**Harry: HOW CAN I LOOK LIKE JOEL MADDEN? I LOOK **_**NOTHING**_** LIKE HIM, TARA! YOU CAN'T JUST GO F*CKING WITH JK ROWLING'S IDEAS LIKE THAT!**

**Sirius: Looks like she can.**

He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.

**Snape: No you're not. You're a boy. See? You're not the only one that can f*ck up canon**.

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

**Snape: I'm sorry I turned you into a boy...No, wait. I'm not.**

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.

**Harry: (slams head on desk)**

**Draco: **_**Vampire**_**? HA HA HA Oh my God...**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.

**Voldemort: I love the taste of-**

**Dumbledore: Don't you dare...**

**Voldemort: -unicorns.**

**Dumbledore: (sob sob)**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared.

**Snape: No shouting in the Great Hall. 50 points from Gryfinndor.**

**Harry: SHE'S IN SLYTHERIN**

**Snape: I know. Correct me again and I'll kick your ass.**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. Vampire and Draco Are Naughty

**Me: Guess what? We have a new friend joining us next chapter!**

**Snape: Last time it was Voldemort. This time is it gonna be the entire Azkaban Prison?**

**Sirius: I resent that! The inmates at Azkaban are very nice, polite people. When they aren't raping you.**

**Snape: :0**

**Me: It's Dobby!**

**Sirius: Why would you invite him? He can't even use proper English, so what makes you think he can **_**read**_**?**

**Harry: DON'T TALK SH*T ABOUT DOBBY.**

**Sirius: Shut up Vampire.**

**Harry: ...**

**Harry: We are no longer friends. Snape is my new friend. Right Snape?**

**Snape: (glare)**

**Harry: See? We get along fine.**

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

**Sirius: What, she writes 6 nameless chapters and then gives the 7th a name? I'm not sure how, but I think that's racist.**

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws.n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!

**Snape: I think "tin god vons" is German for this sucks.**

STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs.I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).

**Dumbledore: I can't see how that proves to us that she's **_**not **_**a Mary Sue.**

I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess I he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively

**Voldemort: Not again...**

**Sirius: Yes! More poorly written sex!**

**Draco: No! This has to be some form of rape!**

and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather braand he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mineand we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

**Voldemort: Yes. It's very stupid. **

**Sirius: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA**

**Snape: Why did she capitalize "had sex." Is she trying to sound pissed off?**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm.

**Sirius: OH MY GOD! HA HA HA "Oh Draco! Oh, Draco!"**

**Draco: I hate you. **

It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!

**Snape: **_**Damn**_**...I did **_**not **_**see that coming...**

**McGonagall: O...M...G...**

**Dumbledore: :/**

**Voldemort: Sweet. I love slash.**

**Ron: Oh, snap!**

**Hermione: No way...**

**Draco and Harry: (Home Alone style scream) ! THIS IS SO OUT OF CHARACTER!**

**Sirius: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA**

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

**Voldemort: TARA, YOU BITCH! THAT'S A STEREOTYPE!**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

**Snape: And that would be where I would yell, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERF*CKERS!"**

**Sirius: HA HA HA HA HA DRACO HA HA HA HA HA BIG-YOU-KNOW-WHAT-HA HA HA HA HA RAN OUT NAKED HA HA HA HA HA AIDS**

**McGonagall: Sirius...I do think you are having a bit too much fun with this.**

**Harry and Draco: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HARRY/DRACO SLASH!(rocking back and forth) ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST...**

**Voldemort: There are no words to describe how much I love this.**


	8. Hermione is a Satanist

**Me: Hi everyone! I bet you're dying to know what happens next, so here's the next chapter!**

**Draco: Actually, I could go the rest of my life not knowing what else happens and die happy with only the minimal brain damage and emotional scarring that comes with reading this.**

**Voldemort: I can't! This is great. I love watching my enemie's character's get totally raped in fanfiction. I actually think Harry is about to crack.**

**Harry: (rocking back and forth again) angst...angst...angst...angst...**

**Dobby: Dobby does not think he wants to do this so much now.**

**Snape: I'm glad I don't have a major part in this story...I can't even imagine what she'd do to me...**

**Me:I can...(bursts out laughing)**

AN: stop flassing ok!

**Sirius: Ok...Stop right there. What the **_**hell**_** does flassing mean?**

**Ron: It sounds like the word floss with the word ass in the middle.**

**Snape: Great observation, Weasley. If I was an English teacher, and we had English on the cirriculum at Hogwarts, I'd put you in special ed.**

**Ron: Why, thank you professor!**

**Hermione: Ron, special ed is...(sigh)never mind.**

if u do den u r a prep! Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

**Dobby:Dobby thinks he has missed some major plot points.**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody Mary Smith

**Snape: Good God...What a **_**hideous**_** name...**

smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic

**Dumbledore: How can hair be gothic? And "waste-length"? Is her hair covered in excrement?**

black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on.

**Harry: Ok...Why the crap is everyone running around wearing ugly ass red contact lenses?**

**Sirius: It's starting to make me miss Pickels...(sniffle) He tasted like chicken...God, I miss him...**

**Voldemort: Unicorns taste like turkey.**

**Snape: Do you know that every time you open your mouth to speak my soul bleeds?**

**Voldemort: Does it bleed...unicorn blood?**

**Dumbledore: (sob sob)**

**Snape: smh**

She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on.

Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.

**Hermione: Wait..._I'M_ B'LOODY MARY SMITH? AHHHHHHHHHH!**

**Voldemort: I like that name better than Hermione. It suits you.**

**Hemione: AHHHHHHHHHHH!**

Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger.(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )

**Hermione: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AND I'M IN SLYTHERIN!**

**Snape: Wait...What? The fact that you're in Slytherin bothers you more than being a Satanist? First of all, that's hurtful.**

**Snape: Second of all, what does her being a Satanist have to do with her being in Slytherin?...I mean damn, we're evil, but not **_**devil **_**worshippers!**

**Ron: It's okay, Hermione...I still love you even though you're a Satanist. And a...**_**Slytherin**_**.**

**Snape: Asshole.**

**Hermione: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

**Snape: Alright, wait...I do **_**not**_** talk like that. **

**Dumbledore: Yeah, you never use more than one pretensious sounding word per sentance.**

**Snape: Was that meant as an insult?**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.

**Voldemort: Did it ever dawn on this crazy bitch that they just might have dated **_**before **_**they ****met?**

**Ron: I suppose Tara was right. Ebony isn't perfect because she's a f*cking moron.**

Everyone gasped.

**Sirius: Gasp is right! She didn't describe her outfit with irritating detail! THOSE ARE THE ONLY PARTS SHE ACTUALLY GAVE ANY THOUGHT TO!**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me.

**Snape: Hell, the readers don't even know why she's mad.**

I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony)

**Dobby: Dobby so has to read this from the beginning.**

**Draco: (whimper)**

for a while but then he broke my heart.

**McGonagall: Awww, poor Draco!(hugs)**

**Draco: (sigh)**

He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

**Harry: YOU SAID THAT I TURNED GOTH **_**AFTER**_** I BROKE UP WITH HIM TARA, YOU D*CK! MAKE UP YOUR MIND!**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.

**Snape: You later regained your virility when I turned you back into a man two chapters ago.**

**Dobby: Who is this "Vampire"?**

**Hermione: It's Harry.**

**Dobby:Cool Dobby loves slash.**

**Harry: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?**


	9. Voldemort's Awesome Entrance

**AN: Okay, time for a regular author's note. Thanks everybody! I wouldn't be updating and getting so much of this done without all your amazing feedback! I knew this story would be well recieved, but I had no idea you all would love it so much! This chapter is decicated to all my kick ass reviewers, so enjoy :)**

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!

**Draco: It's not your fault your own story sucks?**

besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!

**Snape: And I said that a headache isn't a proper excuse for making a character nauseatingly OOC.**

and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!

**Harry: WHAT? I'M A SATANIST NOW?**

**Snape: I don't like him because he's a **_**Satanist**_**? First of all, that is way off. Second, I don't hate him. I'd just prefer it if he wasn't around. Third, SHE FORGOT THE E. I'M NOT THE F*CKING RICE CRISPIES ELF.**

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me.

**McGonagall: I can believe it.**

I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

**Sirius: Umm...okay?**

**Dobby: Dobby **_**really **_**needs to read the whole story now.**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything

**Voldemort: I wonder who that could be? (points at himeself) This guy! Time for my awsome entrance!**

started flying towards me on a broomstick!

**Hermione: I wasn't aware that the dark lord rode a broomstick.**

He didn't have a nose(basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort!

**Dobby: Dobby doesn't understand why she couldn't just say it was Voldemort.**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream.

**Hermione: She threw my cat at him?**

**Snape: The Cruciatus Curse is "Crucio". How do you screw that up?**

I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" 

**Voldemort: Why am I talking like an asshole from "Hamlet" or something?**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.

**Harry: NO. I DON'T.**

I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

**Snape: Wow. She's a genius, this one. **

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.

**Dumbledore: A...gun?**

**Snape: We use WANDS, Tara. WANDS. Not guns, because we're WIZARDS. **

**McGonagall: This is just getting worse and worse.**

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

**Harry: Thou must end this story before I go on a killing spree.**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.

**Voldemort: That's funny...I have that look on my face right now.**

**Snape: I've had that look on my face for this entire story.**

"I hath telekinesis."he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

**Sirius: If I had Telekenisis, I would pick up a giant rock and drop it on Tara WITH MY MIND. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT TELEKINESIS IS. PICKING UP SHIT WITH YOUR MIND.**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

**Hermione: Why does she keep insisting they look just like these singers that they look nothing like? **

"Are you okay?" I asked.

**Snape: Not only is Ebony an idiot, but she has a selective memory.**

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

**Ron: Let me get this straight, Ebony: You made a huge scene and made him follow you into Snape's classroom naked, made even more of a scene and then ran away into the woods, and he still wants to makeout with you? **

**Sirius: Dude, you are so pussy whipped.**

**Draco: I don't think I can take much more of this.**


	10. Don't Fuck With Voldie

**AN: Apparently I offended someone with the Ginger comment. I just want you all to know that thats a well known joke from the show "South Park, and thats why I put it in. I was aware that it was offensive, but I didn't think anyone would **_**be **_**offended, if that makes any sense. After all, it is off of "South Park", one of the most offensive tv shows ever. Why would you take it seriously? Anyway, sorry if it bothered anyone who happens to be a redhead out there. I would never make fun of something as insignificant as a hair color and mean it.**

AN: stup it u gay fags

**Snape: Now _thats_ offensive. **

**Hermione: Why is she calling people cigarrettes?**

**Dumbledore: They don't use that word in the United States as a term for a cigarette. They use it as an offensive term for a homosexual person.**

**Hermione: Oh. I didn't know that.**

**Snape: It's about time you didn't know something.**

if u donot likma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

**Snape: If I could change houses I'd go to Gryfinndor.**

**Ron: Why?**

**Snape: So I could ruin your lives.**

**Dobby: Dobby would go to Hufflepuff because Hufflepuff sounds like a cute cuddly animal.**

**Voldemort: Hufflepuff is for p*ssies.**

**Sirius: I used to eat Hufflepuffs for breakfast in prison. Literally. **

**Everyone except Voldemort: :0**

**Voldemort: Tee hee**

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day.

**Voldemort: Hell yeah, son I'll f*ck you 't you forget it.**

**Snape: Oh I won't. **

**Harry: Yeah. Don't make **_**that **_**mistake a second time.**

I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.

I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a crossbetween GC, Slipknot and MCR.

**Hermione: I'm positive that would sound awful.**

**Snape: And there she goes, knowing things again.**

**Hermione: Do you people see how horrible he is to me? I can't believe you all think it's a good idea to pair us in Fanfiction.**

The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)

**Ron: Aww, Come on!**

and Hargrid.

**Harry:**_** Hargrid**_**?**

Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists

**Sirius: Well, alright. As long as you know where he is.**

(he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that)or a steak)

**Draco: Thank goodness. I wouldn't want you to PLEASE KILL OFF MY CHARACTER.**

**McGonagall: Did she say **_**steak**_**? You cannot kill a vampire with a steak, Ebony/Enoby. You get an F-.**

**Snape: Looks like somebody didn't f*cking study.**

and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.

**McGonagall: than Pansy Parkinson.**

**Dumbledore: Professor Mcgonagall! **

**McGonagall: I know I'm not supposed to speak of students in such a manner, but DAMN. Have you seen the girl?**

**Snape: Yeah I think everyone's life would have been at least 20x better if she had just died.**

**Draco: You do realize she was my girlfriend at one point right?**

**McGonagall: I rest my case.**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

**Voldemort: If I didn't know Enoby better I'd say that there was something wrong.**

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

**Draco: What the f*ck do you think?  
><strong>  
>"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily.<p>

**Draco: AHHHHHHHHHH! SHE'S IN MY MIND!**

And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

**Sirius: Just like a muthaf*ckin' ninja.  
><strong>  
>"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)<p>

**Ron: Umm...Yeah. It is.**

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

**Draco: DRACO MALFOY DOES NOT CRY!**

**Snape: What about that time Harry put on his invisibility cloak and walked up to you with a stick and said, pretending to be a ghost, "oooh, I am the ugly stick! I have come to beat you! Opps, never mind."and I proceded to laugh and give Gryfinndor 10 points, something I've never done, because it was funny.**

**Draco: YOU PROMISED TO NEVER SPEAK OF THAT! **

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily!

**Dobby: Why the exclamation point? **

His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y)

**Voldemort: He cried...wisely?**

**Snape: "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, YOU MOTHERF*CKERS!"**

"Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."

**Draco: THANK YOU! **

**Snape: She said he couldn't die by slitting his wrists? See? She's even f*cking with the canon in her own story.**

**Harry: Maybe if I'm lucky I'll die in this story too.**

**Snape: Maybe if **_**I'm**_** lucky you'll die in real life.**

**Harry: ...**

**Snape: Just kidding :)**

**Harry: ha ha I thought you were serious.**

**Ron: No. He's Snape.**

**Sirius: I wish people would stop f*cking with me.**

**Ron: That wasn't a joke.**

**Sirius: Oh. Ok, so I'm telling you this as a friend: You should definatly consider special ed.**

**Ron: Thank you, so much!**

**Hermione: (sigh)**


	11. Snape and Voldemort Are Perverts

**AN: Sorry I haven't updated in 3 days. I was in the Wisconsin Dells for the last 3 days having a horrible vacation because i got sick! Ugh I was pissed...Anyway, Here's chapter 11.**

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus!sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hlepingme!

**Snape: Your friend Raven is an ass.**

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off

**Harry: How rude.**

and I ran to my room crying myself.

**Dumbledore: Pray tell, how **_**do **_**you cry yourself?**

Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

**Dumbledore: I would look like a perv? Rubbish. Everyone knows I fancy the male gender.**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists.

**Dobby: Dobby saw that coming a mile away.**

Theygot all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume.

**Snape: Someone throw her the cd player so she electrocutes herself and dies. Yay, happy ending.**

**McGonagall: They got all over your clothes? Who is **_**they**_**? **

I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide.

**McGonagall: A steak again? F- -.**

I was so fucking depressed!

**Voldemort: You're always fucking depressed. You're more emo than Snape.**

**Snape: I'm not emo. I'm snide.**

**Draco: That's just another way of saying "I'm not emo. I'm just a d*ck." lol**

**Snape: Sirius was right. You have no friends. Your father is dissapointed in you and your mother hates you. **_**That **_**was being a d*ck. Being snide requires some wit.**

**Draco: (sob sob)**

I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly.

**Hermione: What is sandly?**

**Dobby: Dobby's favorite character on Spongebob Squarepants is Sandy. She is strong yet feminine and represents the progress of women's rights throughout the centuries.**

**Everyone: What?**

I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snapwas spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticatingto it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

**Sirius: Remus? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOBODY IS SAFE!**

**Snape: OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. ****OH. . OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDD.**

**Everyone: AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA**

**Snape: (repeatedly slams head on desk) SHE...DIDN'T...EVEN...USE...THE...CORRECT...WORD...**

**Ron: I think she meant to say masturbating.**

**Snape: I KNOW WHAT SHE MEANT.**

**Harry: (giggle) Snape and Lupin sittin' masturbating in a tree. M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-N-G.**

**Snape: SHUT THE F*CK UP.**

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

**Sirius: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH **

"Abra Kedavra!"he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.

**Harry: I do **_**not**_** have a uterus!**

I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in.

**Dumbledore: Wait...did she just call me...**_**Dumblydore**_**?**

"Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

**Sirius: Okay, Seriously, I'm not going to lie. I have no clue what is going on. **

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!"

**McGonagall: No...He most certainly is not. He is a big ass giant.**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"

**Harry: WTF?**

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors."

**Snape: I THOUGHT I DIED! AND SHE FORGOT MY "E" AGAIN! THE "E", MAN! THE GODDAMN "E"!**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in held up the camera triumelephantly.

**Voldemort: What did she yell **_**that **_**for? It made absolutely no sense.**

**Sirius: IT'S LUPIN. LUPIN. L-U-P-I-N.**

"The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

**Draco: I can't say I know how that feels.**

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

**Hermione: COME ON, TARA. YOU AND I BOTH KNOW A GOTHIC 50 CENT SONG DOESN'T EXIST.**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

**Snape: WTF?**

"Because I LOVE HER!"

**Draco: Of course. Because everyone LOVES the mary sue.**

**McGonagall: Hagrid is not a student!**

**Dumbledore: What the hell is a Dumblydore? Can someone answer me that?**

**Voldemort: Sounds like a STD.**

**Sirius: LOOPIN? REALLY?**

**Dobby: Dobby is glad he is not in this story.**

**Snape: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

**Harry: Snape and Lupin mast-**

**Snape: F*CK YOU, POTTER.**

**AN: By the way, Dumbledore's gay comment is true. His character is really supposed to be gay. Look it up.**


	12. Tara's Lost Sweater

**AN: Hey pple(oh Christ Tara's rubbing off on me)! Here's the next chapter! Ok, so from now on I'm gonna repsond to reviews in author's notes because I saw someone do that and I like the idea.**

**Review Responses:**

**Lady Icicle- Just wait. lol. You haven't seen the worst parts of this story yet.**

**SokkasFirstFangirl- I love the way she just destroys canon almost as much as the english language. Almost. lol.**

****-** Yup because Dobby=Win. :)**

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu!

**Harry: American school children think Hagrid is a pedo?**

**Hermione: He most certainly is may be the equivalent of one of those extremist PETA animal rights activists, but not a pedo.**

how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!

**McGonagall: You said nothing about Cedric. You said and I qoute "Hargirid." **

**Snape: And what was that about me being Christian? I didn't catch that. Seriously, I couldn't figure out what she was trying to say. I think she may have been under the influence of illegal substances.**

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago

**Dobby: Did ex master Draco change his name to Drago? Could Dobby be so bold as to say that it does not suit him at all?**

**Draco: How do you spell "Draco" wrong?HOW?**

had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

**Snape: What, dare I ask, is a red white?**

I stopped. "How did u know?"

**Harry: How did I know what? I'm confused.**

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagramfor me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"

**Draco: BONDAGE? I'M BEING SEXUALLY TORTURED BY VOLDEMORT? OH, WONDERFUL! THAT IS JUST F*CKING BRILLIANT.**

**Voldmeort: I DO NOT HAVE KINKY SEX WITH PRISONERS. **

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.

**Snape: Ok. So Lupin and I are pedos. I get that. But she said that Hagrid/Cedric is a student, so therefore he is not a pedo. This Tara girl just totally setS the concept of continuity ablaze and pisses on it.**

**Sirius: In Azkaban they chop pedo's wee wees off. Just a fun fact.**

Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

**Dobby: Dobby was constipated last night. Not fun...**

**McGonagall: How lovely.**

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

**Snape: When was Hagrid mean to her? Honestly, she's just making this up as she goes along.**

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower sceneand being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

**Snape: Again with "Snap". And yes. It is spelled hilariously wrong.**

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses."

**Dumbledore: Well then what are they?**

He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely.

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes."Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!"

**Ron: Since when do you do vocal warm ups before doing a spell?**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the it was black. Now I knew he wasn't a prep.

**Dumbledore: That does not answer my question nor does it prove that he is not a "prep". **

**Dobby: Dobby is still unclear on what makes you a "prep" in the first place. **

**Hermione: We all are.**

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?"

**Draco: SHE DID IT AGAIN.**

Hairgrid rolled his eyes.

**Harry: **_**Hair**_**grid? (snicker)**

I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

**Ron: Balls...(snicker)**

**Hermione: (rolls eyes)**

**Snape: Really, Weasley? **

**McGonagall: How inapropiate.**

**Dumbledore: (thinks a moment) Oh! I get it! (giggle)**

**Ron: See? Its funneh(giggle)**

**Dumbledore: Yes it is funneh(giggle)**

**Snape: ...**

**McGonagall: ...**

**Hermione: ...**

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT)

**Sirius: THAT'S NOT FUNNY.**

u mst find urslf 1st, k?"

**Dumbledore: I do not talk like that! **

**Draco: You must find yourself? That is the corniest thing I've ever heard.**

**Hermione: Hey Tara, this is Harry Potter! Not The Karate Kid.**

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!"Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.

**Harry: Wow.**

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

**McGonagall: He did not lie! All he said was "You must find yourself." He was being cryptic.**

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs nd put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuffon the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!)

**Snape: Who is Samara?**

**Hernione: (googles it and shows him)**

**Snape: WTF IS IT? HOW IS IT COMING OUT OF THAT ORDINARY TV SET? IS IT MAGICAL? DAMN WE SHOULD HAVE USED **_**THAT**_** TO GUARD THE SORCERER'S STONE, NOT FLUFFY. FLUFFY WAS AN ASSHOLE! FLUFFY TRIED TO EAT ME NUMEROUS TIMES AND OMG WTF IS IT? IT'S HIDEOUS BUT I CANT LOOK AWAY KINDA LIKE DELORES UMBRIDGE AND HER PUKE PINK OUTFITS! **

**Voldemort: Can Voldy see?**

**Hermione: (shows him)**

**Voldemort: AHHHHHHHHH! EW EW EW EW IT'S SO SCARY AND EEEEVILLLL! AVERT THINE EYES, FAIR MAIDEN!(chucks iphone at the wall)**

**Everyone: 0.0**

**Voldemort: M'kay...I'm back now.**

nd I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs (geddit) you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset.

**Sirius: THAT WASN'T FUNNY EITHER.**

I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time.I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

**Harry: Why do people diss Hufflepuffs so badly?**

**Draco: Because Hufflepuffs are homosexual.**

**Snape: Like Harry's dad.**

**Harry: WTF Snape? I thought we were cool?**

**Snape: I'm sorry it was just too easy.**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way.

"Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some timearry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

**McGonagall: 0.0**

**Dobby: That is against the school rules if Dobby is correct.**

**Snape: Wow...You two do **_**not**_** waste time, do you?**

**Harry: Oh...My...God...**

**Draco: HA HA IT'S YOUR TURN.**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.

**Sirius: HA HA HA HA HA PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL SAID HORNY! HA HA HA HA**

**McGonagall: ...**

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me.

**Voldemort: Excuse me? From what I recall you jumped on eachother. You tried to screw him as much as he tried to screw you, honey.**

You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"

**Snape: What in the hell? This already happened!**

**Sirius: (singing)Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again! It's just a jump to the left, and then a step to the right. With your hands on your hips! You bring your knees in tight! But it's the pelvic thrust, That really drives you insane! Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again!  
><strong>SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

**Ron: **_**She's**_** supposed to write **_**your**_** story? **

**Snape: I'm confused. So, who's ass do I Crucio on behalf of this story's existance? **

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I

**McGonagall: You don't use authors notes to ask your friends if they've seen your sweater!**

**Voldemort: That is just unprofessional.**


	13. Stealing Shit Off Your BFFs Wall Is Rude

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpinme agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!

**Snape: So...You just take things off of friend's walls? **

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.

Dumbledore: DUMBLYDORE?

**Dobby: When Dobby hears dumblydore he thinks of a large bumble bee with a long white beard.**

**Dumbledore: So,essentially me in bumble bee form?**

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily.

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time. He laughed in an evil voice.

**Dumbledore: Dumbledore*twitch*...is*twitch*...not evil...**

**Snape: Oh, no...Last time Dumbledore started taking in a third person...well...let's just say we hid the bodies.**

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me.

**Dumbledore: *twitch twitch* So...*twitch*OOC...Make it stop!**

"Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away.

**Snape: Well, thats not very nice.**

Vampire started crying.

**Voldemort: Aww, don't cry Harry.(hugs Harry)**

**Harry: AHHHHHHHH! MY SCAR! IT BUUURRRNNNS!**

"My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)

**Hermione: No...I do not "fik gay guyz r like so hot!" **

**Sirius: Ohhh, ma' Draco! Ma' beloved Draco! ha ha ha ha ha**

**Draco: (whimper) Stop it...**

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood.

**Snape: Seriously, that's not good. Why don't they ask my character for a potion for bleeding eyes? I will tell you why. Because this story makes no sense.**

Then he had a brainstorm.

"I had an idea!" he exclaimed.

**Voldemort: You had an idea? What happened it? Did it read this story and commit suicide?**

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair!

**Voldemort: HEY! GET OUTTA MA HOUSE!**

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra!"

**Sirius: I thought we were satanists, not Muslims.**

It was….. Voldemort!

**Voldemort: Hell yeah another awesome entrance for me!**


	14. Ebony's Gangsta Knife

**AN: Hello, my lovlies! I cant believe it's been 14 chapters and I'm not dead yet.I must be stronger than I thought... How's everyone else?**

**Harry: We're doing fine, but I don't think Dumblydore is doing so well...**

**Dumbledore: (vomits "Excorcist" style)**

**Snape: Really, now? I think he looks peachy keen!**

**McGonagall: How many chapters of this are left?**

**Ron: I don't know. What's 44 minus 14?**

**McGonagall: Ugh...**

**Draco:Is this God's way of punishing me for being mean? **

**Voldemort: If it is, I think this is rather cruel and unusual punishment.**

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok!

**Sirius: Tara, why don't **_**you**_** "fuk" off for a change.**

Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists.

**Snape: I didn't think it was possible, but I hate her more than I did 5 minutes ago.**

PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. 

**Draco: I'm required to shit myself to read this story? Ok, if you say so...**

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was.

**Snape: You mean Wormtail?**

Draco was there crying tears of blood.

**Draco: Oh my god...**

**Voldemort: Don't these people ever cry normal tears?**

Snaketail was torturing him.

**Snape: Wormtail.**

Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

**Snape: It's Wormtail.**

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes.

**McGonagall: Surprise, surprise. Wormtail is in love with Ebony/Enoby too! This story is just full of incredible plot twists!**

"EbonyIloveyouwiluhavesexwitme." he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)

**McGonagall: WHY MUST SHE KEEP CHANGING CHARACTER'S AGES SO DRASTAICLLY? IF SHE WAS GOING TO CHANGE THEM SO, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY SHE DIDN'T JUST WRITE HER OWN STORY FROM SCRATCH, BECAUSE REALLY, THE CHARACTERS DO NOT EVEN RESEMBLE OR ACT REMOTELY LIKE THEIR ORIGINAL SELVES.**

"Huh?" I asked.  
>"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail.<p>

**Dobby: Well, that's quite rude. He didn't even bother to ask her to dinner at Wizard Garden.**

**Hermione: Don't you mean Olive Garden?**

**Dobby: What's that?**

I started laughing crudely. "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

**Snape: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THAT IS FUNNY AS HELL.**

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died.

**Snape: THAT'S EVEN FUNNIER.**

I brust into tears sadly.

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort.

**Voldemort: She still has me talking like an asshat? **

Then… he started coming! We could hear his high heelsclacking to us.

**Everyone: (laughs their tits off)**

**Voldemort:DID I JUST READ THAT RIGHT? HIGH HEELS? FUCK THIS. I'M DONE. **

So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying.

**Sirus: Hey, what the fuck? No fight scene? Lame.**

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw.

**Draco: I was just crying tears of blood and Ebony is crying, and I'm still ready to do it? I WAS BEING HELD BONDAGE BY VOLDEMORT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! YOU DON'T JUST GET OVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT!**

He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah)

**Draco: Damn right I am.**

**Harry: Oh, look it's opposite day.**

**Snape: 10 points to Gryfinndor.**

**Draco: What?**

and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

**Hermione: Yeah right. **

**Draco: How would you know, Granger?**

**Hermione: Pansy told all the girls.**

**Draco: THAT BITCH.**

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything."

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts."answered Draco.

**McGonagall: What and Ebony isn't?**

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked.

**Snape: Just to get one thing straight. I think my character and Lupin's just wanted to sleep with Ebony, not marry her or have any kind of long term relationship with her. You know, hence the "masticating" to her.**

Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me!

**Sirius: Yeah, 'till you killed his ass dead with your awesome gangster knife skills.**

I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away.


	15. How To Turn A Black Guitar Into Draco

_**Replies:**_

_**Anonymous Reviewer- Hell yeah potter puppet pals rules**_

_**Pitch 5321- Thanks! Glad you like it that much.**_

_**DragonVenom- Will do**_

_**97chuckles- Thank you so much for the reviews! You, as Tara would say, totally rok! Your reviews really made my day :)**_

**AN: So sorry for the late update! I've been so busy. I got the role of in my school's production of "A Christmas Carol" and all I've been doing is homework and going to practice. I finally had some free time, so my top priorities are to update this story and update my Phantom of the Opera Parody. Enjoy!**

**Me: Hey everyone! Guess what? **

**Snape: We don't have to read anymore of this?**

**Me: No. Remus will be joining us!**

**Sirius:WOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH! **

**Harry:WOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH! **

***Sirius and Harry shoulder shimmy sexily***

**Voldemort: Oooh! I love shimmying! *joins in***

**Dobby: What a peculiar dance! Dobby would like to join in as well! *shoulder shimmies not so sexily***

**Ron and Hermione: YAY REMUS!**

**Draco: Godfather, I'm scared! Hold me! (jumps on Snape's lap)**

**Snape: (freaked out) Good God!**

***Remus walks into room smiling but his smile fades***

**Remus: Good God!**

***Everyone pauses***

**Snape: That's what I said.**

**Remus: WTF is going on in here?**

**Everyone: REMUS! WE MISSED YOU!(bear hug Remus)**

**Remus: Erm...I missed all of you as well.**

AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!

**Remus: Oh my...I've only read one sentance of this story and I already want to Wizard Swear this author to hell.**

"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!"

But I was too mad.

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" I shouted.

**Hermione: Hey Draco, who would you rather do? Me or Harry?**

**Draco: Well Granger, I don't know about Potter, but I wouldn't fuck you if were the last man on Earth.**

**Hermione: *Donkey punch***

**Draco: AHHHH! SHE BROKE MY NOSE! **

**Snape: I have a potion for that.**

**Draco: Really?**

**Snape: (sarcastically) Oh, yes! Let me just pull one out of my ass! Oh wait, I can't. Because they don't exist. Idiot.**

I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire.

**Hermione: How?**

I started to cry and weep.I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed.

**Remus: I feel your pain, girl.**

Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class.

**Snape: WE HAVE NOT BIOLOGY ON THE CIRICULMUM AT HOGWARTS. DO WE LOOK LIKE MUGGLES TO YOU?**

**Remus: What is GC?**

**Sirius: A muggle band. GC being short for Good Charlotte.**

**Remus: Stupid name for a band if you ask me.**

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out.

**Remus: Does she describe **_**all **_**of her outfits in this much detail?**

**McGonagall: Oh, yes...not just her own, mind you, but EVERYONE elses'. **

**Dumbledore: It's maddening...ABSOLUTELY MADDENING, I TELL YOU! (once again, pukes exorcist style)**

**Dobby: Oh my...not again...**

Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar.

**Draco: Why would you turn a guitar into a pentagram of all things?**

Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco!

**Draco: WHAAAT?**

**Ron: When did she turn the pentagram back into a guitar?**

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!."

**Remus: Dude...You are totally p*ssy whipped.**

**Draco: ...**

**Sirius: Dude...I totally said that same phrase six chapters ago!**

**Remus: Woah...Duuude...that means...**

**Sirius: We totally have the same soul, bro!**

**Remus: We so do! **

**Snape: You are the wierdest people I have ever met in my entire life. Honestly. You need help.**

Then…. he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson

(AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) .

**Hermione: Bye. **

"OMFG." I said after he was finished.

Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) at them. "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch)and CMM in a Cinderella Story.

**Harry: I thought she didn't watch "preppy" movies. **

**Hermione: Yes, she insulted Hilary Duff numerous times throughout this story, yet she has seen a film by her?**

Then we went away holding hands. Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether.

**Remus: Wait...I teach Biology? **

**Draco: And the class clapped because of how...**_**sexy **_**we looked together?**

Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.

**Ron: Another muggle concert? Seriously, how often do those come up in the Wizard World? Never. Yet there have been several in this crapfest story.**

**Remus: Maybe I should have just stayed home today.**


	16. RIP Willow

**AN: So sorry for the extreme delay! I've been so busy with musical practice and school, it's a wonder I haven't died of exhaustion lol. Again, sorry, and thank you for not giving up on my story! I love you all, and happy late Christmas! I love you all so much, but not in a creppy way xD**

AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis!

**Remus: Why is her friend supposed to write this?**

**Harry: And what is a swteet ur?**

**McGonagall: Maybe she means sweater?**

BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese!

**Snape: Could Britney possibly teach her some English as well?**

**Voldemort: Buuurn.**

We ran happily to Hogsmede.There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly.MCR were there playing 'Helena'. I was so fucking happy! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother.

**Dumbledore: Oh, dear...**

**Harry: Sexy...(troll face)**

**Draco: Oh, God...I'm...**_**hot **_**for some dude I don't even know?**

I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets.

**Serius: How trashy. I personally think she should have gone with a classic little black dress with some sequined ballet flats, you now, just to add some sparkle for a fun night out.**

**Everyone: 0:**

**Serius: What? I can think like a girl when I want to. **

**Remus: Yeah, he was voted most stylish in our senior year at Hogwarts.**

**Snape: True. I have to admit, I hate you, but you sure know how to accessorize.**

**Serius: Why, thank you! (bats eyelashes) **

Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched.

**Voldemort: Sexy time!**

We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers!

**Voldemort: Fuck yes! Not only is Voldie the Chuck Norris of the Wizard World, but he's a master of disguise! **

**Snape: IT'S DEATH EATERS! SERIOUSLY, DOES THAT PISS NO ONE OFF?**

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily. "Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them"

**Draco: WTF? No fight scene? No aftermath? **

**Hermione: Damn Tara, U lazy!**

"What cause we…you know…" he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what.

**Ron: What does them boinking have to do with any of this?**

"Yeah cause we you know!" I yielded in an angry voice.

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT."

**Sirius: Oh, Jesus Christ almighty...**

"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" I asked. "So I guess ur a prep or a Christinaor what now?"

**McGonagall: The mainstream? Escorts haven't been qoute un qoute "Mainstream" for over 100 years.**

**Draco: Am I a what? A Christina? **

**Harry: Sounds like you got a sex change. **

**Draco: Piss off, Potter.**

"NO." he muttered loudly.

"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily.

"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He fell down to his knees and started singing 'Da world is black' by GC to me.

I was flattened cause that's not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!

**Sirius: Awww! He memorized the lyrics just for you, and it's not even a single! That's sooo sweet, I'm like literally tearing up over here!  
><strong> 

"OK then I guess I will have to." I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room. B'loody Mary was standing there.

"Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese). "BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!)

**Snape: Oh, yes, very mature, killing off your friend's OC because "FUCKIN SUKS".**

"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily. Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. "Maybe Willow will die too." I said.

**Dobby: Dobby thinks that was a rather uncalled for remark on Ebony's part.**

**Hermione: Yeah, come on,girl, you're better than that!**

"Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly.

**Remus: I'm aware that Kawai means cute in the Japanese language. **

**Sirus: That's not cute, that's disturbing.**

"Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak."

**Snape: ...ew...**

**Sirius: Nope...THAT'S fucking disturbing. **

"Kawai." I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.

**Sirius: WHEN DOES IT END? **

"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." I sed. " I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA."

B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. "Omfg totally lets go shopping."

**Hermione: That totally doesn't sound preppy at all.**

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde.

"No." My head snaped up.

'WHAT?" my head spuin.

**Dobby: Imagines her screaming "WHAT?" and proceding to projectile vomit exorcist style.**

**Harry:(Paris Hilton impression) That's hot.**

**Sirius: Wow...thanks for the mental image. **

I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?"

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all."

"Hu told u abut them" I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me!).

"Dumblydore." She sed. "Let me just call our broms."

**Dumbledore: I see she won't be calling me by my real name any time soon.**

"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly.

**Dumbledore: (sigh)**

"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." She told me. "Come on let's go."

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade.

**Remus: There are stores specifically for concerts in Hogsmeade?**

The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few dresses.

**Snape: You just said he was "OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD"! MAKE YOUR MIND UP.**

"We only have these for da real goffs." he said.

"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked.

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch."

**Remus: Cool. I'm a "goff" poser.**

**Snape: What is a goffic camera pouch?**

**Voldemort: I don't know, but it sounds evil in a sexy way.**

He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera."

"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.

**Sirius: LITTLE BLACK DRESS. NOT LONG-ASS GOFFIC FUGLY DRESS WITH A RIP IN IT.**

"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said.

"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary.

"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way. what's yours?"

**Snape: Again, very mature, changing one of your many middle names just to spite your friend.**

"Tom Rid." He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. "maybe I'll see you there tonight."

**Voldemort: BOTH OF ME CANNOT BE ALIVE IN THE SAME TIME PERIOD. THAT'S IM-FLIPPING-POSSIBLE.**

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!"

**Snape: Wow...the suspense is killing me.**

**Hermione: You know, I'm impressed. This might be the first "cliff hanger" in this story that makes sense. **


	17. Never mind, she's alive now

**Review Replies:**

**Quadicorns****. . . . Really? lol I didn't know that, but someone who claims they speak Japanese shouldn't be making mistakes like that. Nice, Tara.**

**tdwtrulz1022****. . . . Lmfao I never even thought of that( that ebony and draco thing)! That had me cracking up!**

**NRG99****. . . . Believe me, it gets worse. lol. **

**. . . . Thank you so much! **

**Hugtheplanet****. . . . That's okay I like getting favorite alerts as much as review alerts :) And It means a lot to me that I was able to make you laugh lol that means I didn't fail!**

**EternallyPivots****. . . . I know, I think the same thing constantly, but I think it's just the magnitude of the shock they would feel is so huge, I can't even put it into writing lol.**

**SokkasFirstFanGirl****. . . . Oh yes...If she were real, we would definately be BFFs lol**

**PurplePrincess77****. . . . Thanks so much! Also, thanks for all the reviews you've written :)**

**Innocent-Monster****. . . . lol I know right? It takes a talent to type the way Tara types.**

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz willo isn't rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr!

**Sirius: Aww she's not angry with Raven anymore! That's so sweet. NOT.**

Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free.

**Snape: Even after you called him a sick perv for asking if you would be at the concert tht night and mentioning that maybe he would see you there?**

He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual).

**Voldemort: That's a stereotype too.**

Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts.

**Ron: Tee hee...cum.**

**Snape: Must your mind constantly be in the gutter?**

**Hermione: smh**

"WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. "Fuck off you fjucking bastard." Well anyway Willow came Hargird went away angrily

**Harry: Yo, Hagrid, dude! You really gonna take that from her? You just walk away? No bitch smack or anything?**

"Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said.

"Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything.

**Sirius: Okay?**

She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt,leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz.

**Dobby: Dobby doesn't understand how any of that shows off how pale a person is.**

She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.

**Voldemort: You can't have big ta-tas and be thin enough to be anorexic!**

**Hermione: I'm pretty sure that would look gross...**

"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?" she asked.

"Yah." I said happily.

"I'm gong with Diabolo." she anserred happily.

**Remus: Who is Diabolo?**

**Ron: Me.**

**Remus: HAHAHAHAHAHA**

**Hermione: Hey, hey, hey! Diabolo is MY man! MINE. THAT THIN ENOUGH TO BE ANOREXIC WIF BIG BOBS PRAT!**

**Dumbledore: Calm down, child! It's just fanfiction!**

**Hermione: YOU CALM DOWN!**

**Everyone: (stare)**

Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it.

**Remus: HAHAHAHAHAHA A T-shirt with 666 on it?**

**Harry: Right? How lame!**

He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson **.**

**Hermione: EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW **

**Ron: Why? I actually think I like Marylin Manson's look.**

**Hermione: (Home Alone scream)**

Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black

**Snape: 15 points from Draco for his crap fashion sense.**

**Draco: Wtf? You can't do that!**

**Snape: Of course I can! I'M PROFESSOR SNAPE, BITCH!**

Vans he got from da Warped tower.

**Sirius: Okay, I honestly don't know what she's trying to say here.**

B'loody Mart was going 2 da concert wif Dracola.

**Hermione: Oh, no...Who is **_**Dracola**_**?**

Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires.

**Everyone: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH**

**McGonagall: (laughing)VAMPIRES!(laughing)**

**Dumbledore:(laughing) Oh, goodness me!**

**Voldemort:Does he sparkle?**

**Hermione: NAVEL? IT'S NEVEL, YOU TWAT!**

They dyed in a car crash.

**Remus: Really? They dyed in a car crash? That's strange. I never dye things whilst a car crash is occurring. **

Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth.

**Hermione: Oh, wow...**

He was in Slitherin now.

**Snape: Again, Slytherins are not satanists!**

He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. We kall him Dracula now. Well anyway we al went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik)

**Harry: WTF?**

that his dad Lucian

**Draco: MY DAD IS LUCIUS! WHO THE HELL IS LUCIAN?**

**Snape: Your real father.**

**Draco: What?**

**Snape: What?**

gave him. We did pot, coke and crak.

**Harry: Don't forget: Crak is Wack.**

Draco and I made out.

**Voldemort: Sexy time!**

**Snape: STOP THAT.**

We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. We soon got there….I gapsed.

**McGonagall: She gapsed?**

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva!

**Sirius: OH MY GOD, WE GET IT! I SWEAR SHE'S JUST HAVING CONCERT AFTER CONCERT JUST SO SHE CAN EXPRESS HOW SEXY SHE THINKS GERARD IS!**

He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice.

**Remus: What is an ethnic voice?**

We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes...

**Voldemort: I resent that!**

Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came. It was….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!

**Snape: EATERS! DEATH **_**EATERS**_**, GOD DAMN YOU! **

**Sirius: UGHHHH! WHY COULDN'T THIS JUST TAKE PLACE THE FIRST FUCKING TIME THIS HAPPENED?**

"U moronic idiots!" he shooted angstily. "Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now….I shall kill thou and Draco!"

**Voldemort: OMG! I'M STILL TALKING LIKE A HAMLET ASSHOLE!**

"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife.

Voldemort: Oh, so now what? Am I going to shank them?

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back. He shotteda spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…DUMBLYDORE!

Dumbledore: Aww, shit.


	18. IT'S OKAY! TARA GOT HER SWEATER BACK!

**AN: Happy New Year's everybody!**

**Replies**

**HPBirdBrain. . . . Thanks! I'll be doing the whole story!**

**tdwtrulz1022. . . . omg me too! I made a complete fool of myself in the theater crying, but come on! This is Snape we're talking about, he was boss!**

**Startled Boris. . . . Thank you! I'm just trying to make reading Tara's awful creation a little more bearable with some funny commentary lol**

**SokkasFirstFanGirl. . . . lol I love the Simpsons. I always think of the Dave Chapel show where he's like "I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH!" Both always crack me up!**

**Crissi Grigori. . . . I love writing Sirius! He's so fun to write, especially in this story.**

**XxBellatrixLestrangexX. . . . Voldemort is even more fun to write, because he's completely OOC lol**

**...**

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING!

**Snape: You would think that by now she would realize that this story will NEVER cease to be flamed.**

if u do den ur a fuken prep! fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter!

**Sirius: (hand over his heart) Oh, thank heaven above Raven gave her her sweater back! Wow, Tara, you had me in suspense there, girl!**

ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der!

**Dumbledore: There she goes trying to justify my potty mouth AGAIN.**

I woke up the next day in my coffin.

**Draco: With pink lining.**

I walked out of it and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow,blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly.

**Sirius: Why is it that all of her shit is ripped?**

**Hermione: Why can she not just go out in sweat pants or jeans and a t-shirt once in a while? No one wears leather THAT often. Terribly uncomfortable, you know?**

**Snape: I do know. I wear it constantly when I go partying.**

**Everyone: ?**

**Snape: What?**

I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it. Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth)

**Harry: WOULD YOU STOP IT WITH THE PUNS? **

**Voldemort: Seriously, you don't insert jokes into your story text. That's unprofessional.**

**McGonagall: What? If this all happened last night, why didn't you go over any of this in the last chapter? **

**Remus: You can't just gloss over all the details! That's lazy!**

Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuffwas blood-red.

**Draco: NO ONE GIVES HERMIONE'S RIGHT TIT WHAT YOUR BROOM LOOKED LIKE.**

**Hermione: Thanks.**

**Dobby: Broom-stuff? Dobby thought it was called bristle. **

There was lace all over it. Draco had a black MCR boom.

**Draco: Are there really official My Chemical Romance brooms?**

We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.

**Remus: Come to think of it, I'm glad she didn't include any details.**

**Voldemort: YAY! MORE FUCKY-FUCKY TIME!**

**Sirius: SEX! YOU HAD SEX! IF YOU'RE GOING TO INCLUDE SEXUAL ACTIVITY, YOU CAN'T PUSSY OUT WHEN IT COMES TO DESCRIBING IT! IT'S CHILDISH AND STUPID. IF YOU CAN'T GO ALL THE WAY, DON'T DO IT AT ALL! Wow, that sounded less dirty in my mind...**

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too.

**Snape: She even fucked up the Great Hall with goffic-ness...**

**Dobby: No body is safe...**

But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant.

**Snape: Ah, the "preps" where wearing pink under their black pants? Those damned posers.**

And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere,

**Dumbledore: Does she mean posters?**

like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys.

**McGonagall: Hogwarts does not allow muggle decorations in the Great Hall!**

"WTF!" I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. B'loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnetsand black pointy boots.

**Dobby: Dobby can see why Ebony is upset. This story is about the persecution of gothic people and their beliefs, and the preps trying to control them, when in reality, the preps wish they could be gothic, but everyone knows that naturally, humans fear that which is different, resulting in unjustifiable crimes against the strange. Quite sad really.**

**Everyone: (stare)**

**Dobby:(tries to keep a straight face but bursts out laughing) Dobby totally just pulled that analysis out of his arse! This story sucks unicorn poo-poo.**

**Everyone: Lmfao **

Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets.

**Sirius: Oh my God...no one. gives.A FUCK.**

Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bi.

**Sirius: UGHHHH! WHAT THE F*$%?**

**Remus: Woah, dude, I think you need a break.**

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel was saying

as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday.

**Dumbledore: F*$%!**

He had normal tan skin

**Ron: Since when does Dumbledore have a tan? **

but he was wearing white foundation

**Snape: (sing-songy) Albus wears makeup**

**Dumbledore: (twitching with anger)**

and he had died his hare black.

**Dumbledore: At least I have a cute little pet rabbit in this story.**

"….DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped.

**Dumbledore: OH MY GOODNESS! PRAISE JESUS! PRAISE ALLAH! PRAISE BUDDHA! PRAISE...ALL OF YOU! HALLELIJAH! SHE SPELLED MY NAME CORRECTLY! THIS CALLS FOR CELEBRATION!**

**Everyone: (applause)**

"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!"

**Dumbledore: Nope. I'm goffic for good.**

**Hermione: (snicker) Volsemort?**

**Voldemort: F*$%! **

**Sirius: Holy crap! It's a chain of bleeped out fucks!**

"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?"

**Harry: I fink she should have abanoned this story right here.**

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer.

**Harry Ron Hermione Sirius Remus: SCREW YOU, TARA.**

**Snape: Yes, how dare she insult Gryfinndoor! (troll face)**

**Draco: Tee hee! High five!**

**Snape: Go away.**

**Draco: Aww...**

**InuyashaFanGirl555:(Suddenly appears out of thin air)**

**Everyone: HOW DID YOU DO THAT?**

**InuyashaFanGirl555: Never mind.****Sorry to interrupt, but I think we should start keeping track of how many times Draco gets owned.**

**Sirius: Oooh! Oooh! I'll be the ownage point keeper! Lets see...(counts on his fingers)1...2...3...If my calculations are correct, he's been owned 21 times.**

**Draco: You're all so mean to me...what did I ever do to-wait! Don't answer that.**

**Sirius: Can I keep track of bleeped out fucks too? Because, let's be honest, theres bound to be s lot.**

**InuyashaFanGirl555: What?**

**Sirius: When a character gets really mad and they scream FUCK but it gets bleeped out. **

**InuyashaFangirl555: What's the difference between a normal fuck and a bleeped out fuck?**

**Sirius: A bleeped out fuck is usually a lone, screamed out fuck, and bleeped out because it's funnier that way.**

**InuyashaFanGirl555: Oh, I see...It is funnier...**

**Snape: You're both insane.**

**Sirius: so, can I?**

**InuyashaFanGirl555: Sure, knock yourself out. InuyashaFanGirl555 out!(snaps fingers in a "z "formation and disappears)**

**Harry: I bet she got that from "I Dream of Jeanie" or "Bewitched"**

**Everyone: Oh...**

Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads.

**Ron: (snicker) Disfusted...thats a funny word...**

We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1.

"BTWyou can call me Albert."

**Dumbledore: My name is Albus!**

HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes.

"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we to were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous.

**Harry: Oh, yes. I'm a jealous wreck. So jealous, I may start goffically crying blood**

I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard)

**Harry: Aww, wtf?**

but I didn't say anything.

"I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted.

**Hermione: Who? Harry, or Dumbledore? Harry isn't middle aged, nor is Dumbledore.**

**Draco: Yeah, no shit.**

**Dumbledore: 50 points from Slytherin for calling me old.**

**Draco: F*$%!**

**Sirius: Bleeped Fuck number 4, and Draco owned number 22.**

**Draco: F*$%!**

**Sirius:Bleeped Fuck number 5.**

**Draco: STOP IT!**

I was so fucking angry.

**Harry: I imagine her turning into the Hulk and sreaming "I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY!"**


	19. Sirius Has a Nervous Breakdown

**Replies:**

**tdwtrulz1022. . . . Right? And I never expected it because I never read the books so I was like "(gasp) Thats soooo sad!" **

**wingswordsandsandmetaphors. . . . Yeah, So far it's my favorite of the titles lol**

**Future Starkid Member. . . . I'd like to. Do you have anyone in mind?**

**SokkasFirstFanGirl. . . . Yeah ha ha so I pulled a Team Four Star and started the Draco Ownage count. I expect it to be well into the hundreds by the end of the story lol**

**. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . **

Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise

**Harry: Holy crap! This one has a chapter title!**

**Snape: Is it just me, or do her chapter titles not make any sense?**

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok!

**Hermione: Uh-huh. I'm insanely jealous of your top-notch writing skills and uncanny plot developement. That's it. You caught me.**

**Sirius: Oh, and let's not forget her poignant story of true love, friendship, sex, drugs, and rock n' roll. Hell, I daresay it's better than award winning rock n' roll bios like "The Doors" or "The Rose". Man...I envy you, Tara. I really do.(troll face)**

11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11

**Snape: Okay. I think she is trying to say "One, one. From now on, I'm going to delete your mean reviews! One, one, one. By the way, Ebony is a pure blood, so there! One. Thanks to Raven for the help. One, one." **

**Remus: Damn...I was WAYYY off...I thought she was saying something about singing tennis balls, but that makes a lot more sense... **

**Draco: Wait a minute...You can't be a pure blood witch and be a vampire too, can you?**

**Sirius: Bad news, Ebony. Looks like your mother. . . . fucked a vampire. DUN, DUN DUUUUN.**

**Draco: THAT WHORE. SHUN THE MUDBLOOD! SHUUUN! SHUUUUN!**

**Hermione: Bogus as ever...**

]All day we sat angerly finking about were so fucking pissed off.

**McGonagall: Random bracket?**

Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert.

**Ron: Another one?**

It had been postphoned, so we could all go.

**Dumbledore: How convenient...**

**McGonagall: She absolutely LIVES off of plot devices, doesn't she?**

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes.

**Sirius: Wouldn't it make more sense if they angrily cut classes? Not that it would sound less moronic, but, you know me. I'm a helpful bloke, I am.**

Draco was being all secretive.

**Dobby: Not good...Honesty is the key to a healthy relationship.**

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot).

**Draco: Eww...**

**Hermione: Yum. Tears of blood.**

**Dobby: Dobby thinks Hermione means "Tearz of blud" lol**

**Hermione: Ha! Good one.**

"No one fucking understands me!1" he shouted angrily

**Remus: Wow. Drama queen, much?**

**Draco: Why does she put random 1's in the middle of sentances? Does anyone know this?**

as his black hare

**Dumbledore: Aww, Draco has a pet bunny rabbit too! Let's arrange play dates so our bunnies can play together!**

**Draco: Uhh...**

went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz.

**Ron: Borken...that's a funny word too.**

**Snape: Big blue eye? More like beady little peep holes that resemble a rodent's. A sewer rat's, maybe...**

**Draco: Thanks.**

**Sirius: Draco ownage count: 22. **

He was wearing black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik)

**Sirius: DUDE. DUDE. DUDE. DUDE. Are you fucking kidding me?**

I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik)

**Sirius: F%*$ NO I DON'T WANNA SEE THE PIC! WHY THE F&%* WOULD I F*&$ WANNA F%&* SEE A MOTHERF*&$ PIC, YOU STUPID MOTHERF$%*? ARGGH, THE F*&% NERVE OF THIS F$%*-**

**Everyone stares as bleep fest continues.**

**Remus: Oh no...(bleeping continues in the background)**

**Hermione: I knew it wouldn't be long before this turned into an episode of "The Osbournes" **

**Harry: I think we borked him...**

**McGonagall: Should we call a paramedic?**

**Sirius: (panting) Okay...sorry. I'm back now. So...how many bleeped fucks are we at? Like...30? **

**Everyone: (nods and murmers in agreement)**

**Dumbledore: Seems to me like a fair estimate.**

"Accuse me? What about me!" I growled.

**Snape: You? Pardon me if I'm out of line, but when did this suddenly become about _you_, Ebony? **

**Harry: Yeah, Draco. What are you waithing for? Dump her ass?**

**Draco: Somebody, just Avada Kadavra me now. Please.**

"Buy-but-but-" he grunted.

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned.

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted.

**Draco: WHAT? WHAT DOES IT FUCKING LOOK LIKE? I'M SERIOUSLY CONFUSED, HERE!**

But it was to late. I knew what I herd.

**Draco: WHAT DID YOU HEAR? OH, GOD, I HATE THIS FRIGGING STORY!**

I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring.

**Sirius: (bursts out laughing) **_**Cring**_**? What the hell is **_**cring**_**?**

**Ron: The bathroom door hinges are Italian, so whenever they squeak, they go "Cring, cring!" with a funny accent.**

**Snape: It's sad that out of everything I've heard you say, _that_ makes the most sense.**

Draco banged on the door.

**Ron: Ha ha he fucked the door.**

**Hermione: Shh...no more speaking.**

I whipped and whepped

**Snape: I think she means "weeped and weeped"**

as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces

**Sirius: Her poop was crying?**

like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!)

**Harry: OH MY GOD, WHO CARES?**

**\**I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot.

**Sirius: Remember kids: Stay above the influence. This message brought to you by your friends at Hogwarts.**

Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated.

"You gave me a fucking shock!" I shouted angrily dropping my pot.

**Ron: How can you be angry when you're smoking pot? Pot makes everything awesome.**

**Snape: Of course, you would know.**

"Wtf do you fink you're doing in da gurl's room?"

Only it wasn't just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too!

**Sirius: Now she sees this second person? Where was he hiding? Up Hagrid's ass?**

For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco but it was Dumblydore.

**Dumbledore: Oh, Dobby's sock!**

**Dobby: Dobby takes offense to that.**

"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse.

**Dumbledore: WHAAAT?**

**Harry: Ha ha wtf?**

"What are u wearing to the concert?"

"U no who MCR r!" I gasped.

"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2." He said. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for u."


End file.
